Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
