Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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