I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
