I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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