I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
