I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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