No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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