I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
