I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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