Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
