Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
