Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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