don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She even gives head with a lisp.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
