Soap is not a condiment
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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