I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
