She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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