listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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