dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
