oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
