it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
