You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
