Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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