I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
