I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What drink are we having for lunch?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize