I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
