the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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