i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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