I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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