I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
