You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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