I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
