i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
