I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize