were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I had to cum in my sink.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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