my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
