his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
