there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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