I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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