Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
