I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
