as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
