I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
