3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize