Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
