I puked a lego.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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