never play flip cup with pint glasses
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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