the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
