just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
