I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Randomize
