He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Randomize
