Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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