No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
