duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
