Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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