I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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