My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
