I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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