He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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