Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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