Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
